I'm Not Going Anywhere
by Tina Titan
Summary: Description inside. WARNING MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND ABUSE
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Soooooooooo…. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of a difficult story for me to write. I've mentioned Wally having some issues in the past with self harm and I wanted to write on it. Also his team's reaction to finding out. There will be a lot going on with a few of the members and a slight dip into Robin's mind. That being said, I know that this is going to be hard for different people for different reasons. I have some background with this topic, but I will try to tread lightly as possible.**

 **Trigger warnings: self harm, mentions of emotional and verbal abuse, panic attacks**

Wally West seems like a fairly typical 16 year old kid. He flirts with his girlfriend constantly, grinning as he messes up his bright red hair. He mocks his friends/teammates. Gets into trouble with his 14 year old best friend Robin. He seems to have a permanent smile on his face, even after particularly draining or heart breaking missions. His team really never considers this odd. They assumed Wally copes in his own way, like they all do. They just couldn't imagine how.

Artemis walks down the hall of Mount Justice, sniffing her hair. Her latest mission ended with a particularly foul smelling liquid being sprayed on her. She falters in her steps as she nears her boyfriend's room. Normally after a mission they would talk about what happened. Most of the time, they ended up teasing each other mercilessly on which of them would win in a fight. The few occasions Wally had attempted to prove his point, she ended up pinning him on the floor, his arm twisted painfully behind him. Artemis decides to knock, at least see him before she goes to take a two hour shower.

"Wally?" She calls through the door. She makes out a slight shuffling and the door slides open. Wally gives her his signature cocky grin, which fades as soon as the smell hits him.

"Wow, uh, I like your new perfume," He coughs. She rolls her eyes.

"I just got back from a mission, wanted to say hi before I attempt to de stink myself." Artemis notices his arm shaking behind him," Are you ok?"

"Of course, beautiful, just working on a book report. Getting the summer work done early, you know?" He gives her an easy smile. She believes him. She kisses his cheek before sauntering down the hall. After several rinses of her hair, she's as close to clean as she's going to get. Pulling on a fresh change of clothes, she heads back towards her room.

"What's up, Bird Brain?" She teases as she passes Robin.

"Not much, Miss Fire. Hey, did you talk to Wally today?"

"Briefly. Why?"

"We had a mission earlier in Central City. Cop was killed. Wally seemed kind of shaken up."

"Maybe I should go check on him," Artemis maneuvers around the 14 year old. He trails behind her," Can I help you?"

"League rules. Two team members who are in a relationship are not allowed to be in the same room together unsupervised."

"League rules? M'gann and Conner live together. You think they haven't done anything?"

"M'gann is M'gann and I'm pretty sure that Conner had any sexual drive genetically removed." Artemis rolls her eyes. Robin is the annoying little brother she never got. She only knew a fraction of his history, mostly what Wally told her before making her swear never to tell anyone. She'd kept her promise. Even Robin didn't know she knew about his parents and what happened to them. He wouldn't be able to tease her the way he is now if he did,"So is Wally the fastest boy in the world at everything?"

"I'm going to ignore that question." She knocks on Wally's door," Wally? It's me and Bird Boy. Can we come in?"

No answer. She tries again, louder this time. No response.

"That's weird." Robin frowns," He was in there an hour ago."

"Let me try the access code." Artemis opens a panel hidden beside his door. She types in his over ride code, one of the few that they all had memorized. The door slides open and Artemis yells," WALLY!"

The speedster lays on the floor in a pool of blood. Artemis runs to his side, turning him onto his back. His eyes are closed. There's a pair of scissors nearby. She shakes his shoulders," Wally? Wally? Open your eyes!"

He doesn't respond. Artemis looks up at Robin.

"Get help." The 14 year old looks frozen," DICK! GET HELP!"

He unfreezes and runs. Artemis checks Wally's breathing and pulse. The pulse is weak and his chest isn't rising. She jumps into rescue breathing, practically ripping his head back to open his airway. She counts in her head between breathes. All her training is screaming at her to check and make sure the rest of him is ok. After rechecking his pulse and breathing, the pulse stronger and his chest rising and falling a bit, she looks over his body. There are no cuts on his neck or face. None on his abdomen or legs. His shirt and pants are patched with blood, but there's no tears in the fabric. She notices his sleeve sticking to his arms. Rolling it back she finds her answer. A deep cut runs across his wrist, several others just below it.

"What's happening?" Kaldur's voice breaks Artemis from her trace.

"We found him like this. He wasn't breathing, but I got him back."

"And the blood?" Kaldur assesses Wally's pulse.

"I think he cut himself." The words are painfully numb. Some part of her wants to scream them, but another doesn't want to even think them. Connor arrives not three seconds after she says this. His face completely tense. Dick brings a backboard that the trio carefully lift Wally onto. Artemis feels an arm wrap around her. She flinches.

"It's me." M'gann says to her," Are you ok?"

Artemis doesn't answer, just watches as Kaldur and Conner carry Wally from the room. Her chest becomes uncomfortably tight as his head rolls listlessly. M'gann follows Conner and Kaldur. Dick stares at her, neither of them saying a word. The smell of blood stings their nostrils.

"You said my name." Robin says softly," Not Robin, Dick."

Artemis nods, taking the towel in her hands and using it to wipe up the blood. She hears him leave and come back. Bleach fills the room. They work in silence until the whole floor is clean. They sit on their heels for a second. Robin speaks first,"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would Wally do anything like this?" His mind is trying to think through it. He needs to understand the facts of what's happened. His best friend, the only person who was suppose to know his _real_ name, was just found in a pool of his own blood. There's a pair of scissors, but it can't be related to this. Wally would never, never do anything like this. He was to happy, too optimistic, too bright. Artemis has the opposite problem running through her head. How did she not see the signs? The fact he was shaking earlier. Him keeping his distance. The flinch when she would reach for his hand. The constant tugging at his sleeves some days. Her chest tightens even more.

"I need to go." Artemis moves quickly for the door. Robin grabs her arm," Let go of me, Dick."

"No," He tightens his grip on her arm," Wally needs-"

"Wally made his choice. He doesn't need me." She yanks her arm free and takes off. Robin knows her could follow her easily, but let's her go. He goes to the medbay. He and the others wait, listening to Wally's heart monitor. After a while, Wally sits up, groaning.

"Ugh, my head." He looks at the others, slipping into his normal bright smile. Then he moves his arm. Looking down, his eyes widen with panic as he sees the blood on his shirt and the gauze on his wrists," I can explain."

"Good. Because we want an explanation." Conner positions himself next to the speedster. Robin is coiled in a tight ball in the corner, staring at Wally with pain. Wally kicks himself. Robin had seen him. His best friend who had seen more people lying in pools of their own blood than he should at 14. Wally wants to say something, but the kid is probably one minute away from freaking out. Not something anyone would want to see.

"I was working on a project and the scissors slipped."

Kaldur raises an eyebrow," Five times?"

"Wally, we want to help." M'gann tells him.

"I don't need help."

"Artemis said something similar." Robin murmurs. Wally snaps his head around the room.

"She didn't se-"

Conner glares at him," She saved your life. You weren't moving."

"Shit!" He runs his hands through his hair," Where is she?"

"She zeta'd home." Wally jumps up. M'gann grabs his shoulder," Where are you going?"

"I need to talk to her. I need to see her." They begin pushing him towards the bed. Wally uses his powers, slipping away from them and out of the room. He's at the Zeta tubes before it clicks with them that he's gone.

"Kid Flash. B03." A cool automated woman's voice informs the team.

"DAMN IT!" Robin is out the door before any of them. The teen wonder is visibly upset when they reach the zeta tubes. He's ripped his sunglasses off, shocking all of them. Tears roll down his cheeks from bright blue eyes," He's gone! And the console is busted! WE CAN'T FIND HIM!"

"Robin, it's ok." M'gann reaches over to comfort him. He pulls away from her.

"NO, IT'S NOT!" He shouts. He tears at his dark hair. He steps back, hitting his head against a wall," HE'S NOT OK! HE TOLD HER! HE TOLD HER ABOUT ME AND HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING BUT I DIDN'T KNOW! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND AND I DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT! I DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT!"

Connor grabs the screaming teen, holding his arms down. M'gann grabs Robin's head. She uses her powers to gain some control. Robin is still crying, and in her mind she sees flashes of old memories. All his. A man and a woman staring down, her with bright blue eyes and him with dark hair. A circus tent. A woman and man falling from a trapeze, hitting the ground with a sicken crash. Blood pooling around them. A man's voice saying they were his only family. Two coffins. A tall man placing his hand on his shoulder. Another body bag. Screaming sweaty nightmares. Panic attacks that hit him at random, but he never shows it. M'gann lurches away. Robin is now calmed to the best of her abilities, but she knew that there was only so much she could do. Within ethical reason. Robin's eyes are locked on the floor, tears dripping from the bridge of his nose.

"What is wrong with him?" Kaldur asks. M'gann explains what she saw. Kaldur and Conner look at the boy wonder," I did not realize."

"None of us did. Remember what Wally said, Batman had forbidden him from telling." Conner reminds them.

"What do we do?"

"Find Wally, call the League," M'gann looks at Robin," Find Dick a place to rest."

"Dick?" Conner asks.

"That's his name. Dick Grayson." Robin finally closes his eyes, trying to remember the last time someone on his team other than Wally said his real name.

"Should we look for Wally?" Kaldur asks, taking Robin, no _Dick_ , from Conner. He places the teen over his shoulder.

"I think we all know where he is." Connor says," Or who he wants to see at least."

Conner was right. In Gotham city, Artemis takes a shower. Her mother isn't home yet so there's no one to shout at her for using all the hot water. Steam fills the room as red ribbons swirl down the drain. Artemis has been letting the water run over her for the better part of an hour. She reminds herself that she has to get rid of the bloody clothes before her mom gets home. She doesn't want any more people freaking out today. She closes her eyes. Let today be another failsafe. Please let it be another training exercise. Please let it all have been pretend. Even as she hopes it she knows everything is real. Everything she saw was real. She shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. She looks in the mirror hanging from the back of the door. Her upper body is a mess of scars and burns, the only reminder of her childhood. She'd grown up well since she was seven years old. After Jade walked out. She pulls on her underwear and an old pair of pajama pants. As she reaches for her tanktop, she hears the buzzer.

She goes out to the kitchen, pressing on the worn down box," Hello?"

"Hey, beautiful," Wally groans. Her breathing stops," Artemis? You there?"

"Yes."

"Can you let me in? I want to talk."

"I don't think that's a good idea." She's about to take her finger away when he wheezes two words.

"I'm sorry." She hesitates before pressing the open button. There's a knock on the door a few seconds later. Opening the door, Wally stumbles in. Artemis realizes that she's shirtless, still holding the tank top in her hand. She pulls it on as Wally moves to the couch. His shirt is stained with dried blood," Thanks."

"Don't thank me. Give me an explanation." He gestures for her to sit next to him. She sits on the couch, but turned so she is as far from him as possible. Wally turns to face her.

"How much of my past do you know?" He asks.

"Not much. What you've told me. A few stories from the others," She searches his face for a sign that he might be lying to her.

"I was born in this little town in Nebraska called Blue Valley. My dad worked as a factory foreman and he wanted me to work in the factory as well. I didn't want that. I wanted to be something more than myself. I was the President and only member of the Flash fan club. Growing up, I didn't get along with the other kids. I was more interested in the Flash and science than I was making friends. Needless to say I got bullied a lot. My only real friend was my Aunt Iris and she lived in Central City. I went to visit her and Barry when I was ten. They were only dating at the time, but I talked to Barry about the Flash nonstop. I mean all the time. Barry made my little ten year old dreams come true when he dressed up in his Flash uniform and sat with me for hours. I asked how he got his powers. He told me about the notes and when he wasn't looking I swiped them. My parents had seen how happy I was. I had friends in my aunt's neighborhood that meet my obsession with pretty much everything. They moved to Central City for me. So I could have friends. But that wasn't enough. I tried to recreate Barry's experiment. I ended up blowing up the garage and nearly dying on the way to the hospital. Twice. They stabilized me. Barry blamed himself," Wally sighs," There were… unforeseen side effects."

"Your speed?" She guesses.

"Yeah. That came in after my 11th birthday. But that wasn't what I meant. My powers themselves are stable, but there are times that they don't cooperate. But before they appeared, I got hurt. I had been cooking with my mom and the knife I was using slipped. The cut wasn't bad but I remember the feeling of relief that I got. Like all this weight of just disappeared. My powers appeared not long after. When Barry was training me, there were days that I made too many mistakes or I failed to help someone. Someone got hurt. On top of the bullying at school, I couldn't think of another way to cope."

"You were 11?" He nods. Her heart aches a bit.

"My powers definitely have contributed to it. I was a speedster, but my speed seemed to change around. There were times I was faster than Barry and Jay. Times I was slower. My connection with the speedforce, the thing that makes speedsters fast, is direct. But it's also unstable." Wally meets her eyes. Furrowed eyebrows are the only indication that she's paying attention," I can't vibrate my molecules through things. Not because I'm not fast enough. Because when I do, I make the object unstable. Things tend to explode."

"That doesn't explain-" He cuts her off.

"The cutting?" He shakes his head," I've tried thinking of every possible explanation. Anything to excuse what I did. I don't know. When I was younger, I was clumsy so no one thought much about it. It made me feel ok. Now, It feels more like a punishment. I should be getting faster, making less mistakes. I'm not though. I'm making more."

"What happened today?" She hadn't realized she was moving towards him until her toes hit his jeans. She doesn't move back.

"Dick and I were helping the CCPD with a hostage situation. This cop Uncle Barry is friends with, was friends with got shot. I couldn't get him out of the way in time. He died in route to the hospital. He's been to my house before. He had a family." Wally closes his eyes," I knew I was fast enough to save him. I should have been able to save him. But he-the bullet. I didn't make it in time. I got back to the cave and I just. I couldn't handle it. I started, but I couldn't stop. I kept pushing down deeper and deeper. I remember falling to the ground. Everything going black. I'm sorry, Arty. I never meant for any of you to find out or get hurt. I'm so sorry."

Wally stares down at his knees, shameful tears burning his eyes. Artemis looks around her living room. There are few pictures of her, but they're pretty recent. Anything before her mom went to prison had been stowed away before her dad had gotten home. Artemis speaks softly into the silence," I was four the first time I remember my dad calling me worthless."

"Artemis, you don't have to-"

"I need to." She'd meant to say want, not need," That was the first time I remember, but I know it wasn't the first time he did it. My childhood was full of me being worthless or not good enough. After my mom went to jail, Dad only got worse. He never hit me, unless you count training. Nothing I did was good enough for him. I don't remember him saying good job or I love you. Not once my entire childhood. It took my mother months to get me to the point when I could actually believe she loved me. But I don't believe her some times. I get angry and I have this need to punch something."

She holds out her hands, the knuckles raw," There's an old punching bag in my room. I kept hitting it until my hands bleed. Every mission that failed. Every time we fought, even when we weren't together, I would punch the bag until I felt better. I had, have these ridiculous standards for myself. Something that I'm never going to reach, but I want approval. I wanted to prove myself to someone. Then maybe they'd love me."

"Arty. I'm sorry." Artemis stands up and walks out of the room. When she comes back, Wally notices the knife in her hand. She sits down back next to him.

"Uh, Arty?" She places the knife in his hand and closes his hand around it," What are you doing?"

"You told me you needed to do this, so do it. Not to you though," She extends her own arm. Wally sees the blank look in her eyes. The nothingness.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't hurt you like this." She meets his eyes.

"Then why hurt yourself?" Something inside him deflated and for the first in years he can breathe. She places the knife on the table and holds his hand," I've spent too much of my life pretending to be something I'm not. Pretending to be someone I'm not. But I don't want to pretend anymore. The pretending has to stop."

"I'm sorry," Hot tears fall from Wally's eyes," Artemis, I'm so sorry."

"I know." She holds his hand as he cries, not sure what to do," The League is going to want to know what happened."

"I figured." He wipes his eyes," I'm sorry."

"Prove it. Promise me that you won't hurt yourself every again." She raises her hand to cut off his protest," Not for me. Promise me that you won't hurt yourself because you feel like you aren't worth anything. Because you mean a lot. To me you mean a lot."

"You mean a lot to me too." She pulls his head forward, placing a firm kiss to his forehead. He holds the back of her neck, keeping her from pulling too far away," You don't ever have to worry about proving yourself to me. Never."

Alone, they are a mix of scars and pain and anger. But together, maybe something good could come out of them. Maybe, just maybe, they could heal.

 **Author's Notes: OK. So I really did try, and drew a lot from my own personal experience. Please please please let me know what you think. Also if you are suffering from self harm, please know that I love you. If you think you aren't worth anything, know without you, these stories wouldn't exist. I love you all so much.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: You know what. I'm not done with this story. It doesn't end, it's a constant struggle. Plus I've been reading up on the characters more and I've learned some cool facts about Dick Grayson that I'm going to be exploring.**

 **Also Big thank you to NoNaMe19Kaneis! Thank you so much for your review and answering my questions! This is a big shout out to you!**

 **Trigger warning: Talks about self harm, trauma, mentions of religious stuff (in case you don't like that)**

Wally can't stand the way they're looking at him. Like he's fragile and tiny. Something he's tried to avoid for so many years. Barry looks at his nephew in shock. He can't believe that Wally would do anything like this. Wally can't meet his uncle's eyes. The bandages around his arm, which Artemis had rewrapped last night, feel more like a badge of shame. A secret that should still be hidden.

"Wally, why-how could you do something like this?" Black Canary asks. As the therapist for the team, she tries to think of any signs he might have shown. Any signs she might have noticed but dismissed as something else or that she might have not seen all together.

Wally tries to speak, but the words die on his lips. Beyond his mentors, his team tries hard not to stare. Robin hasn't left his room all day, worrying them. Artemis still seems a little numb after their talk yesterday, but she doesn't look as betrayed as before. She nods at him, gesturing for him to talk to them.

"I'm sorry." His voice breaks," I didn't know how to ask for help."

"You four, give us the room," Canary orders the others. Wally's eyes widen with panic. He wouldn't be able to say anything if his friends weren't here. If Artemis wasn't here. Canary notices his reaction," On second thought, M'gann, lock the door."

M'gann obliges, and the four approach their friend. Canary gestures for them to sit around the table. Artemis sits closest to Wally, her hand a few inches from his. M'gann, Conner, and Kaldur sit beside the couple though distancing themselves to look at the speedster. Wally can't help but look up at them in shame. Kaldur has a stern, but concerned look to him. M'gann looks like she had been up all night. Conner still looks angry, but he always looks angry. A pit forms in his stomach with the absence of his best friend.

"I can't explain myself," He says," I've- I've been hurting for a long time. Even before I was a hero. I hurt you all and there's no excuse for it."

"Why didn't you come talk to one of us?" Canary asks," If not a league member than one of your teammates."

"Because you all needed me to be strong," He meets their eyes for the first time. Something is different in his green irises. Some spark that he had was gone," You all needed me to be Wally, and Wally is bright, funnyish, and happy. I've tried so hard to be Wally and I can't be him anymore."

"Wally, this job is hard, we all understand that-" Wally cuts Barry off.

"It's hard, yeah. But what's harder is there's no permanent solution. We put these villains in jail or in Arkham and they break out. Over and over and over and over. It feels like I'm running in circles fighting the same villains. One goes down another pops up. I'm trying to save as many people as I can, but someone still gets hurt. Someone gets killed when I fuck up."

The young heroes are shocked. Not that he swore, Wally generally swears when he's pissed off, freaking out, or turned on as Artemis knew. They're shocked at the pain in his eyes. The fact he genuinely believes what he's saying. Artemis closes the distance between their hands, intertwining her fingers with his. His skin is warmer than her own. She can practically feel the speed force pounding against her fingertips. Last night, after their talk, they had fallen asleep on her bed. She'd woken up when her mother came home, Wally's shirt balled up in her fist, like he'd be gone if she let go. Wally had woken up to see Artemis relaxed for the first time in a while. Like she'd let all the bad in her life stop having power over her.

"Wally, there are things that are beyond even our control," Canary understands where he's coming from, also noting the young couple's sudden dependency on each other.

"Why? I can break the sound barrier in my sneakers. Kaldur is from Atlantis. M'gann is from Mars and is more powerful than Manhunter. Artemis can hit a target from 150 yards. Conner is half kryptonian. Robin-" He bites his lip. Robin has suffered more than any of them. Artemis might have been raised to kill people, M'gann might have been persecuted on Mars, Conner might be clone, Kaldur might have had to leave his home, but Dick had watched his parents fall to their deaths. The others were practically breed to deal with this shit filled life, Wally knows that he wanted to a part of it since he was a kid. Dick had a chance. He had a chance to live a normal life. He could have avoided this all together. But his parents were murdered. He was alone and Batman had taken him in," Robin can disappear and reappear before most of us notice. That's just us. Not including Zatanna, Rocket, Tula, Garth, everyone else. Plus the league. Why shouldn't we be able to save more people?"

"This isn't what's concerning us," Canary tells him," You were hurting yourself-"

"Because I wasn't good enough. Someone died yesterday. Because I wasn't fast enough. I reacted to slow. One more second and I could have saved him," Wally's hands twitch. He wants to cut so badly. His chest begins to tighten so much that he can't breathe. His mind begins to run in circles, voices hissing his failures in his head. Artemis tightens her grip on his hand.

"Wally, you can't save everyone. People are going to get hurt. People are going to hurt other people because they can. Or they don't mean to. Either way someone is going to suffer. People suffer everyday," Mgann tries to provide his friend with some perspective," We're heroes, not miracle workers."

"I know that," He stands," I'm sorry. I need some time to think. I know I haven't earned any trust, hell, I've probably lost more than I ever had. I just… I need to clear my head."

"Of course. But we do have to talk about this, Wally," Canary says," This isn't going to go away."

"I know," Wally leans down, kissing Artemis's cheek. There's a lingering sadness between the two. A deeper understanding of each other's pain or just a deeper respect for the other. They all watch him leave. M'gann turns to her best friend.

"Artemis?" The archer won't meet any of their eyes as she leaves. Connor jumps up, grabbing her hand. There's no love to it, like when he grabs M'gann's hand. There's a panic.

"We almost lost one of our own yesterday. Ro-Dick still hasn't talked to any of us. I don't know if he's ok or finally breaking down. Please, we can't lose you too," Connor looks at her the way she wish Jade would look at her. With concern and love for her. Conner's in love with M'gann, they can all tell that, but as much as he might deny it, the team is his family. He loves Artemis like a sister, and wants her to be ok.

"Right now, I'm not important."

"Yes you are," Kaldur and M'gann join them now. The Atlantian places a hand on the archer's shoulder," You are important. You are a part of this team, of this family. No one here is without value."

Artemis doesn't know what to say. Every part of her mind screams for her to brush it off. To tell them she'll be fine and walk off. _How many times has Wally done that to me?_ She wonders. No, they are her family. They love her. She takes a deep breath," There's somethings that I need to tell you."

Wally walks through Mount Justice slowly. He avoids any areas with sharp objects. He avoids his room. The need to cut is still in the back of his mind. His arm aches, begging for relief. He should call his parents. Tell them that he's ok. During the summer they weren't as worried about him not coming home at night, as training ran late or last minute missions popped up. They had hosted some of his friends before, when a mission ended at 2:30 and they were all to tired to get back to headquarters. They gave him a talk about responsibility and making smart choices, but said that they trusted him, even if he ended up spending the night with his girlfriend. As long as he called, they didn't mind. He'd have to tell them he spent the night at Artemis's place. They didn't do anything, aside from talking and sleeping. Her mom was really cool about it. Maybe she had sensed their need to be near each other. He'd slept in the spare bed in Artemis's room, but Artemis crawled in with him around 2 am. He had a sinking feeling that it was only because she needed to make sure he didn't die in the middle of the night.

He slips into the Med bay, hoping there might be something to help with his arm. He finds a bottle of pain meds specifically for him and Barry. He throws one back, giving the medicine a minute to null the throbbing in his arm. He returns the bottle to it's place, grabbing gauze and medical tape. He carefully unwraps his arm. The bleeding had stopped hours ago, so he gets a solid look at his work. Five thick cuts run across his wrist. No not cuts, the edges are still too jagged to be just cuts. He must have torn the flesh, not realizing it. It explains why they haven't healed. He'd scar no doubt. He grabs a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a fist full of q-tips. After dipping the q-tip into hydrogen peroxide, he dabs it into one of the wounds.

"Son of a bitch!" The sting catches him off guard. It's been awhile since he's had a cut this bad. Most of his wounds heal within a few minutes. Particularly bad wounds, like gun shot wounds or broken bones, take a few days or a few weeks. He grits his teeth, cleaning the wounds quickly before wrapping them up in gauze. He stares down at the blood tipped q-tips. Anger builds up inside him. He throws the bottle of hydrogen peroxide against the wall. The plastic bottle bounces off harmlessly, landing on the ground. He slams his fists into the counter.

He fucked up again! Anger, sadness, and fear fill his head. They weren't supposed to find out! He hurt them more than he hurt himself! He hurt Artemis! He slams his fists into the countertop over and over and over. He remembers the emptiness in her eyes as they talked. About her father calling her worthless. Tears burn his eyes. He made her feel that pain. He hurt her. Because he was selfish, and weak, and and and...

He realizes his hands are searching for something to cut with. Forcing himself to leave the room, he walks down towards the bedroom area. Not his own. No way in hell would he be able to go there anytime soon. He's tempted to go to Artemis's room. She never minded if he was in there with her. At least not after they were dating. He notices one door is ajar, one that's always tightly closed. Robin's room. He peeks inside. The fourteen year old lays, almost unmoving, on his bed. His hands cover his face, black hair poking through the gaps.

"Dick?" Wally knocks on the door," Hey, dude, you awake?"

Dick sits up. His messy black hair sticks up in odd angles. Wally can tell that he's just had a massive panic attack. Dick has had panic attacks for the last four years. Since his parents fell to their death. He has done a great job never letting anyone on the team know. Wally found out two years ago, when Dick told him his real identity. His blue eyes take a second to focus on the red head. Betrayal stings his eyes.

"You told her. You told her my name." He accuses.

Wally sighs, a fresh wave of guilt hitting him," I know. I told her and then begged her not to let you know I spilled the beans."

"That's two secrets you've kept from me." Dick points out. Wally can't answer," When did you tell her?"

"She cornered me in my room after you guys got back from Halley's circus. She demanded answers. She was worried about you, Dick," He slowly approaches the bed. When Dick doesn't throw anything at him, he takes it as a sign that he can sit down," You never get attached to any mission, besides the normal joy you get out of causing the other side pain. She knew something was up, something personal."

"You told her everything?" He shakes his head.

"I told her your name and how you were a part of a troupe called the Flying Graysons. I had to tell her about your parents, because she'd figure it out sooner or later. I told her as little as I could," Wally swears," I know that it wasn't right. I had no right to tell her about your past. Your secrets. I'm sorry, dude."

Silence fills the room for a solid minute. Dick looks down at his hands," Did I ever tell you I'm Christian?"

Wally stares at him in a stunned silence. He had figured anyone affiliated with Batman wasn't religious. His own mom had given up on him going to church.

"My parents, they wanted me to have something that was normal in my life. Because of the circus, school and home were kind of one in the same. But Mom use to tell me that every time she performed, she would thank God for the opportunity to do what she loved with the people she loved. She would also ask Him to keep them safe throughout the performance." His eyes squeeze shut remembering his mother's kind voice," Dad would tell me that as long as I kept faith, nothing bad would happen. Guess he didn't expect me to be an orphaned superhero by 10 years old."

"Dick, I don't know what to say." Wally is shocked by the look Dick gives him. The raw emotion in his eyes is something he's never seen before.

"After my parents died, the only thing that kept me from going completely off the deep end, like Bruce, the only thing was the fact that I knew they were with God. They were at peace even if they weren't with me. I wanted to hate God for taking them away, but I couldn't. He gave me another father. A different chance in life. It's not normal, but it's my life," He squeezes his hands into fists," I thought He had let everything in my life settle. Then we found you yesterday. I thought that God took you away, Wally."

Wally is shocked at the tears in his friend's eyes. Dick curls into a tight ball, just like yesterday. Like he's holding himself together, but only just. Wally reaches over, placing a hand on his best friend's knee.

"I don't believe in God, you know that, but I think if He does exist, He let me live, even though I should have died. Not just yesterday. Through all our missions, through the explosion that gave me my powers, through some of our dumb choices. I think He let me live because He knew you needed me to be ok." Wally tries hard to think of anything else to say," I don't know why He would let good people suffer, but I do know that He has to let good people have good in their lives."

Dick turns away from Wally," Can I be alone now?"

"Yeah." Wally starts to leave. He stops at the door," Dick, You know that what I did had nothing to do with you, right?"

"Wally, get out of my room." He commands. Wally leaves, trying not to feel awful about how the conversation went. He decides he can't stay inside anymore. They have their own private strip of beach, so he grabs a blanket and heads outside. The waves hit the sand in a soft, consistent rhythm. The June sun feels warm on his skin. He spread out his blanket before sitting down. The ocean glitters as far as he can see. Birds fly overhead, squawking about who knows what. Maybe it's about the weird, freckled, redhead kid sitting by himself.

Wally watches the ocean, waiting for a sign of some kind. That maybe he isn't a massive fuck up. He loses himself in this thoughts, ranging from pessimistic self hatred to possible apologies to the team to Artemis. He wonders what she's doing right now. If she's talked to Canary about what he told her. About his own past.

 _Who'd go out with a freak like you? You can't do anything right!_ Wally tenses. They aren't real. They're just memories. They don't mean anything. Just things the bullies said. He's doing great in his life. He has a lot. _So why hurt yourself? If you have so much, why hurt yourself?_ His thoughts battle with him. Anytime he thinks of something happy, it comes up with a reason he should be sad. Anytime he thinks of something sad, it reminds him of something he has to look forward to.

As the sun begins to set, his phone buzzes, breaking his internal fight. A text from Artemis illuminates the screen. **Wally? No one's seen you in a while. When did you eat last?** His stomach growls in annoyance. Despite his mind's turmoil, he still needed to eat. He texts Artemis back **I was on the beach thinking. I don't know when I ate last. I'm coming inside in a minute.**

His phones buzzes less than a minute later. She says that it's ok. She just wanted to check in on him. He feels his heart leap. He hadn't fucked up his relationship! She was still worried about him. He goes inside, stopping in the kitchen to eat a quick sandwich. He washes his plate, hearing people walking towards him. Not wanting to be unintentionally shamed, he runs to the other door. He listens as M'gann begins cooking dinner.

"I still can't believe any of it," Her voice is soft.

"Neither can I," Kaldur agrees," We all have kept our secrets, for what we feel is for the good of the team or for ourselves, but this is not something to have been kept."

"Guys, you're missing one thing." Conner interjects," She was trained to be an assassin. Somehow, I doubt mistakes were tolerated by Sportsmaster. Wally had a point, we do expect him to be a certain way. As for Dick…"

"Has he come out of his room at all?" M'gann asks.

"No," Kaldur responds," I tried to speak with him earlier, but he seemed rather upset."

"Can you blame him? The last 24 hours haven't been normal, even by our standards,"Conner point out. Wally leaves, unable to listen anymore.

Artemis lays in her bed, drained. She had told them almost everything she had told Wally yesterday, enduring hugs and words of love and comfort and all that bullshit. That, plus waking up a billion times last night to check on Wally, left her exhausted. Aside from pushing her jacket and boots off, she can't move a muscle. This room is a little bigger than her room at home, but not nearly as comfortable. At home, her sheets smelled like her. She could hear her mom rolling down the hall, telling her the delicious smells wafting from outside meant dinner was done. The Cave has slowly become a second home over the last few months, but it's also way too big. There are times that she felt alone just being in her room. Her door slides open. She knows by the clumsy, but quick steps that it's Wally. He slides into bed beside her, pulling her body close to his.

She tries to imagine that they've both just finished training. Something about beating the crap out of each other seemed to make them want to be near each other. She focuses on his hands, one tracing lazy circles on her stomach. His body is warm and soft. She turns so she can hold him back. Burying her face in his neck, she tries hard not to fall asleep.

"You saved my life," He murmurs, twisting her long hair between his fingers. He loves her hair. The thick blonde locks were always soft. She never let her hair down around anyone but him. He had spent hours before, just playing with her hair, making her laugh. Now he's aware of her soft breathing, her barely open eyes. He kisses her forehead," If you hadn't come to find me, I would probably be dead."

"You're not allowed to die," She stifles a yawn," I need you still. If we ever break up, then you can die."

"So it's an if, not a when?" He clarifies. She kisses his neck lightly. He can't help but feel like this is right. Them cuddled together like this, Him holding her in his arms, where she feels safe. But where she gives him the strength to protect her. They've been dating for less than seven months, but superhero relationships were never normal. He trusted her with his life, trusted her to see the parts of him that he was insecure about. Artemis is learning to let her walls down around him, letting him in to see her fears and her flaws.

"Shut up," She orders. He obeys, kissing her sleepy mouth. There were some kisses between them that were definitely more about pleasure, There were some that were more about necessity, like just before a mission where they could die. There were some that were because they could, Wally tended to give most of these when she was doing something else. Thanks to his superspeed he had stolen many kisses and received many punches to the arm. These kisses are their favorite, though neither would admit it. The kiss isn't about them just pressing their mouths together. It's more them saying what they didn't have the courage to say. Things that they will say one day. Promises both intend to keep. He pulls away, hoping she understands that he needs her too. She falls asleep a minute later, his shirt balled up in her fists. He turns on his back, gently pulling her on top of him. He falls asleep not long after, comforted by her presence.

They look like they've been together for years instead of months. It's hard to believe they hated each other almost a year ago. They are so content with each other, so at peace. They had both been forced into a light they weren't 100% ready for, but as long as they have each other's backs, they don't care what comes next.

 **Author's notes: OH MY GOD! Sorry… Gave myself feels. Spitfire is probably my favorite pair ever. I actually found a great blog post from one of the show's creators (Link below) about their relationship and it's early stages. I have to admit, I kind of cried writing Artemis this time, because I am her. Emotionally at least *glares at my short brown hair*. I also cried because I thought my ex understood my baggage the way that Wally tries to understand Artemis's. Stepping away from my crappy love life, I also got a tumblr! Follow me ( .com ) to chat or request stories. I'm not sure if I'll put another chapter on this story. I'll think about. Love y'all.**

 **www. ?qid=15175**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: Yeah, I think one more chapter is needed here. Something about progress. Again big shout out to everyone who has favorited, followed and commented on this story. To anyone who's reading this and has struggled/is struggling with self harm, please, please, please don't do what Wally did. Please don't wait until you almost die. I love you all so much. Without you to read my stories or comment, these stories wouldn't exist. Please talk to someone. My inbox is always open. Both here and on tumblr (secondgenerationnerd).**

 **Also there might be some Spitfire love this chapter. ;)**

 **Tiggers warnings: Mentions of selfharm.**

Wally finds some peace as he zetas into the Cave. It's been almost six months since Artemis and Robin had found him. It's been a challenge trying to repair things. Weekly therapy with Canary. Two months before the League cleared him for missions again. Three more months to patch things up with Dick, who has started going by his real name more often. His parents were still very skeptical about their son around any sharp objects, but slowly they began to give him more freedom again. Them letting him spend most of winter break in the Cave (with death threats if he wasn't home on Christmas day) is a sign they're trusting him again. M'gann doesn't stare at him as often as she did. Kaldur doesn't give him as many pity filled looks. Connor's still angry but some things never change.

"Hey, KF," Dick grins at his best friend," Come check this program I'm designing."

"Didn't Batman threaten to cut you off from all technology if he caught you breaking into League computers again."

"What my mentor does is beyond my control. And you said it yourself. If he catches me." Dick has one of his Robin gloves on, hooked up to the zeta tube's terminal.

"Ok, I'll bite. What are you doing?" Wally asks, dropping his gym bag.

"You know how sometimes the league worries that our zeta tubes will be hacked or our enemies will figure out that we use them and try to intercept us?"

"No. Literally I don't think I have ever heard Uncle Barry talk about that at freaking all. But I assume Batman has considered it, so," He waves his hand for Dick to continue.

"Basically, the program is to make the Zeta tubes explode so no one can follow you. There's a very complex code that you'd have to type in, so I'm the only one that can turn it on or off. Still working on the off part though." Dick grins.

"You're one weird kid, boy wonder," Wally shakes his head. Dick laughs," Where's everyone else?"

"Kaldur went home to visit his mom. He should be back tonight. Connor is out running with Wolf. Zee and Rocket are out shopping," Dick turns," But you really want to know where Artemis is, don't you?"

"Shut up," Wally blushes.

"She's in the kitchen, helping M'gann."

"My girlfriend, the one who has expressed venemous hatrd for cooking, is in the kitchen with M'gann," Wally reiterates.

"She's keeping her company. You know how Miss M gets when she's alone." Dick winks," Go get her, Romeo."

"Shut up." Wally grabs his bag, going to the kitchen. M'gan had definately improved in her cooking over the past year and a half. She chats happily with Artemis, who tries not to look bored out of her mind. There's only so much girl talk that she can suffer through before she needs to hit shit. Wally drops his bag, coming up behind Artemis. He steals a kiss," Hello, beautiful."

"I thought we talked about you coming up behind me," She stares at him in annoyance, but her smile betrays her.

"I thought you knew I was stubborn and didn't listen," Wally asks her.

"Nope. Never picked up on that, Baywatch," Wally blushes at her nickname for him.

"Wally, are you staying with us for Christmas?" M'gann asks.

"I have to go home Christmas day or Mom will literally murder me. I thought we were doing the early Christmas gift exchange thing tomorrow morning?" They all had normal lives, for the most part, outside of the team. Because of family stuff and parties, they decided to do Christmas a few days early.

"We are, I just wanted to know how many I'm cooking for," M'gann smiles at him. He returns it easily. She then launches into a story about her finals that lasts for ten minutes.

"Hey, babe, I actually need your help with something," Wally tells Artemis. She knows exactly what it is- an out for them.

"Where are you all going?" M'gann asks, more curious than accusing.

"I need help wrapping presents because I'm incompetent." Wally jokes. M'gann's face tenses for a second," It was a joke, M. I'm brilliant in all fields except gift wrapping."

"Just gift wrapping?" Artemis asks,"I think you're forgetting a few things.

M'gann rolls her eyes as the two leave the room, bickering. As much as they care about each other, some part of them will always be those fighting 15 year olds. Wally and Artemis laugh once they know they're out of M'gann's range of hearing.

"God, I thought she'd never let me go," Artemis scoffs,"I love her and all, but if I had to hear one more goddamn story about cheerleading practice, I'm going to slap someone."

"Well, not sure I want to be slapped, but I really do need help with presents."

"So this wasn't a clever ploy to get into my pants," Artemis teases.

"Nah, I've got plenty of time for that. However the gift thing is tomorrow so...," Artemis laughs. Wally loves her laugh. He loves the way her nose wrinkles with her smile. The way her beautiful gray eyes twinkle. He loves seeing her happy. He loves her. Wait did he just say love? They go into his room. He'd already wrapped her present (with his mom's help), but there's quite a pile on his bed.

"Of course you left this til the last minute," Artemis rolls her eyes.

"I'm the fastest kid alive. You know how long it takes me to write a paper or a lab report? You think I was worried about wraping Christmas presents?" He grabs some of the wrapping paper his mom bought a month ago that he'd immediately thrown into his closet here. The papers range from plain red to this horrible tacky funny Santa paper. He grabs tape from his desk. They both freeze, just for a second, before Wally hands Artemis the black handled scissors. They aren't the same ones that he...used before. He'd thrown those out as soon as he could. But there's an uncomfortable tension between them. Artemis filled with worry that he might relapse and him filled with guilt for making her worry. He tries to distract them both by picking up a book of myths about Atlantis," I got this for Kaldur. Think he'll be offended?"

Artemis relaxes a bit," I doubt it. You know how much he loves reading myths. Plus it might make him feel like he's at home."

They work together for a while, talking about the presents they got their friends. Artemis admits that she made M'gann a shirt that said 'Hello, Megan!' in big bubbly letters. Wally grins as he helps Artemis wrap Dick's gift. He'd found an empty charcol bag in his garage and filled it with some stuff that reminded him of the circus. Give Dick something to remember from his past. They forget that they're in the Cave. They forget that there are other people in the mountain. In the last six months, something had changed between them. They weren't as lonely as before. Wally doesn't make up excuses about not feeling 100%. Artemis has actually had her friends over to her apartment for dinner, which her mom loved. But even when it was just the two of them, no matter where they were, they didn't feel overwhelmed, like when they were with their friends. They understand each other, and right now that's enough.

 _Hey, guys!_ M'gann's bright voice in their heads _Dinner will be here in a few minutes._

 _I thought you were cooking?_ Artemis asks,

 _Rocket and Zatanna got pizza in New York for us. They should be here any minute. How are the presents going?_.

 _We're pretty much done,_ Wally says as they throw the trash away. Artemis was great at wrapping presents that he was actually shocked. She was surprised that he hadn't been lying when he said he was bad at it. He looks around his room before they leave. There's a slight pain in his chest. It had taken him several weeks of talking to Canary to go back to the room. He remembers how much it'd hurt walk in. Everything that he'd felt came rushing back. Now, it nagged in the back of his mind, but he turns the pain off.

Dick grins as the two of them," So you two were 'wrapping presents?'"

Wally brushes off the insinuating tone," Yeah, and someone's getting a big lump of coal this year. His name rhymes with the Boy Blunder."

"So, how was everyone's finals?" Rocket asks around a slice of pizza. Wally digs into the first of his two large pizzas, ignoring the question.

"Decent," Artemis shrugs," Studying isn't exactly the same as kicking ass."

"They were easy," Robin boasts.

"Did you hack into the school computers and cheat?" Artemis asks.

"Not this time."

"You know if you weren't on the side of good, Dick, you'd make one hell of a villain," Connor points out," You've got the intelligence and the means."

"Not my style. What about you, Connor, how were Happy Harbor High's midterms?"

"I'm a fucking clone who was taught pretty much everything except social interactions. How do you think they went?" He says blandly. M'gann and Zatanna chat happily about some shop in New York that they need to visit together. Artemis, Dick, and Rocket toss insults at each other, smiling. Connor and Aqualad discuss the possibility of an attack around Christmas. Wally takes a second to marvel at the normality of the scene. Well, their version of normal. Then he hears the voice again. _You almost fucked this up._ Wally tenses, not enough for anyone else to notice. He focuses on his chewing. _What if they hadn't found you? What if when they did find you, but they were too late?_ Wally takes a deep breath, letting the air go slowly. He'd told Canary about the thoughts. He's in control. _If you were in control, then I wouldn't be here. You have no power over me._ Wally makes himself smile. In his head he begins to list things that make him happy. Slowly, the darkness in his thoughts begins to disappear.

"So who wants to watch a movie?" Dick asks," I got the new X-men movie."

"Dude, we're superheroes, I think we would spend most of the movie comparing our own powers with theirs." Wally points out.

"They're mutants. We've got," Dick does a quick head count," Two Metahumans, an Atlantian, two flavors of alien, one witch, a badass archer, and me."

"Different name, same issues," Artemis says," Besides, I'm pretty tired."

"How about an early night?" Kaldur suggests," Then we can continue the festivities in the morning."

Dick and Zatanna both disappear into the screening room, disscussing the probably of time travel. Wally rolls his eyes as he helps clean up dinner. They all go their seperate ways. Though Wally knows that he's not staying in his room that night. Since June, whenever they spent the night in the Cave, they always slept in her room. There are no cameras in the bedroom area (which is a stupid choice, Wally often thinks, but one he's come to appreciate) so getting to her room is always easy. He changes into his pajamas and runs over. Artemis sits on her bed, reading a worn copy of Alice in Wonderland.

"'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!/The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!/Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun/The frumious Bandersnatch!'" Wally recites the only stanza that he can remember. Artemis rolls her eyes, but she's smiling," Babe, are you really going to stay up late reading that?"

"You have a better offer?" She looks at him with a sinful look in her eyes. Wally crosses the room, jumping onto her bed. She laughs until he pulls the book from her hands," Hey!"

"Sorry, beautiful, but I have an offer you can't refuse," Wally pulls her close to him, capturing her lips in his. Artemis sighs happily as she melts into the kiss. Wally admitted to her that she was the first girl he'd ever kissed. Surprisingly, he's good at it. After a year together, they both knew exactly how they fit together in almost everyway. This though, Wally kissing her, his hands messing with the bottom of her shirt seemed the best. Artemis pushes him back a bit so they fall onto her bed. They wrestle for a moment before she rolls them. Her knees are planted on either side of his hips, so she can look at him. He shoots his hand up, stealing the ponytail holder from her hair. Gold locks fall down her back and over her shoulder.

"You like my hair way, way too much," She teases.

"Babe, I can't think of a single part of you I don't like," He gives her a signiture grin. She wants to attack his lips, kissing him until they couldn't breathe, but something stops her. His shirt sleeve has fallen just enough for her to see one of the scars. Wally notices her tense up. He takes her face in his hands, making her look at him," Hey, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," She looks down at him, her intelligent gray eyes studying every line of his face," I just… I can't forget."

"Let me help," He takes her moment of distraction to flip them over. He presses his lips to her throat, nipping at the skin there. She bites her lip to stop a moan. Wally knows exactly where to kiss her and how to make her forget her own name. He notices she still hasn't untensed yet. He moves up to kiss her lips again. Pressing his forehead aginst hers, he says," Babe, I'm doing better. And these scars, They're just a reminder of a dark point of my life. I'm okay. This time I really mean it. I'm happy."

"Doesn't change what happened." She relaxes a bit, seeing the old spark in her boyfriend's eyes had returned," But I guess you're right."

"Well, statistically I have to be right every once in a while," She rolls her eyes as she brings his mouth back to hers. Some part of her does believe him. Since she'd found him in his room in June, something in him had changed. They'd both teased each other about the walls they'd built, neither really understanding why they were theret. Maybe she's just come to terms with the fact that the happy goofball she fell in love with a year ago had a darker side. Wait did she just say love? She doesn't have time to think about her sudden admission of love as Wally begins to kiss her neck again. This time he kisses lower, pressing his mouth to the neckline of her shirt. She's suddenly extremely thankful she chose one of her looser shirts today. Wally's hands move under her shirt, spreading over her stomach. She takes the oppertunity to flip them again so she's on top," Babe, I was no where near finished."

"Don't care, Wallman. My turn." She pecks his lips before kissing his neck the same way he had kissed hers. She bites the skin just under his adam's apple. Her own hands begin to move down his t-shirt. But where he teased, she got right to the point. Wally takes a sharp breath as he feels those long nimble fingers slipping under his shirt.. He'd marvelled at those same fingers as they knocked back arrow after arrow. As they laced themselves with his own. As they traced patterns on the table during dinner. Wally sits up, pulling Artemis back up to his mouth. She pulls his shirt off so her hands can run over his chest. His muscles had developed nicely over the last year. He's a long away from that lanky sophmore. Wally buries his hands in her hair, pulling her down onto him.

He loves her. The way her skin glows against his. Her hair flowing over her shoulders in long beautiful waves. Her brillant, gorgeous body pressed against his in all the right places. He pulls her shirt off, aching to feel more of her. She smiles, happily lifting her arms to help, wanting him as much as he wants her. Artemis rolls her hips against his. She gets so much satisfaction hearing her boyfriend moan. She can feel his growing excitement beneath him. God, she loves him so much. She loves his fiery hair. The thousands of freckles on his skin. His strong hands slipping beneath her sportsbra. She mentally pats herself on the back. Rather than her usually crappy sweat pants she sleeps in when he's not here, she'd found a pair of cute black panties buried in her drawer. She decides _fuck it_ and pulls her bra off. Wally's green eyes widen, sending a jolt down her spine. Artemis feels like heaven on top of him.

"God, can we just stay here forever," He asks, taking in the sight of her.

"That another offer," She kisses him, slowly, deeply, and lovingly. She holds his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb," If Dick wouldn't find us here, I wouldn't have to question how long forever really is."

"What part of 'fastest kid alive' don't you get?" He gives her his signiture smartass grin. Rather than rolling her eyes, she rolls her hips again. His grin fades a bit.

"Does that apply to every part of your life?" She asks not so innocently.

"Let's find out," Artemis actually squeals when he uses his speed to pin her underneath him. She can see his scars much easier now, as his hand pushes hair out of her face. Rather than tense or freak out, she lifts her head, pressing her lips to his wrist. She lays back, staring him with a mix of emotions that he can't place.

"Do you remember what you said to me after that happened?"

"I said a lot of things, babe."

"You said that if we hadn't found you, you'd be dead."

Wally nods, pushing hair from her eyes," I remember. You were half asleep. I also think you threatened me if I died while we're together."

"You know that still stands." Wally laughs. She loves his laugh. Something about it just made her want to laugh too.

"Babe, have I ever told you how sexy it is when you threaten my life?" He kisses her before she can answer. She stops herself from groaning into his mouth as he slips a hand into her panties. Wally kisses her harder, leaving breathless. She bucks under his touch, any thought of self presevation long gone. He kisses lower and lower, pulling her panties down with him, taking the time drive her to the edge before he's anywhere near his hand. Her fists ball up the sheets. Jesus fucking Christ. Wally has never been with another girl so she's not sure how the hell he's this good. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she's very vocal about what she does and does not like. She moans as he presses his mouth to her. God help her, he'd be the end of her.

"Wally!" She cries out, knowing no one can hear them. Waves of pleasure run through her body. He waits before moving up her body again. She can taste herself on his lips. Her nimble hands find his pajama pants, pushing them down. She can feel his excitement against her thigh," Have I ever told you that you are amazing?"

"Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?" He teases.

"I mean it, Wally. You're amazing. I can't imagine my life without you in it."

His eyes soften," I can't imagine my life without you in it."

"And," she kisses him, nipping at his lip," I can't imagine another thing in my life without you in it."

"You had to make it sexual, didn't you?" Wally shakes his head. She presses her body against his.

"If I didn't, you would have." She points out. He considers it for a second before nodding. She looks up and down his bady before meeting his eyes again," Do you have protection?"

That sends a new surge of blood to his crotch. They haven't had sex yet, both still figuring out what they were ok with. He flashes out of the room to his own. Back in less than ten seconds, he finds Artemis sitting up, smiling. That beautiful golden hair covers her beautiful body. Her kiss bruised lips are pulled back in a soft smile. One very clear question that he knows the answer to. _If I let you in, will you stay?_ He presses her into her bed, answering the question with every kiss. _Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes_.

Later they lay next to each other, a thin layer of sweat covering their skin. Both of them grinning like crazy. Artemis looks at him," I guess that's one Christmas miracle we didn't see coming."

"Us having sex or no one interrupting us?" He asks, kissing her hair.

"Both, and the fact that we had sex and I didn't punch you in the face." She tells him. Wally laughs.

"Yeah, that surprised me too." He admits. Artemis climbs over him to look at the clock. She groans," What time is it?"

"1:37," He groans too. M'gann insisted on starting the festivities at 7 am, because some bullshit that she picked up from media. That meant they had to be up and moving at 6:30," Still worth it."

"Shut up," Artemis rolls over him, grabbing her sleepshirt. Wally pulls his pants on. Their team knew that Artemis and him slept together (until tonight it was only ever to sleep) but they knew Dick would lose his goddamn mind if he found them naked in bed. They would never ever live it down. Artemis turns away from him, curling up on her side. He pulls her close, kissing her shoulder," What are you doing for Christmas?"

"My aunt and uncle are coming over. Jay and Joan are going to be there for New Year's. My mom's sisters will probably come in with their kids. Other than that it'll be me trying to survive my mom's well ment intentions. What about you?"

"My mom and I are having a quiet day in. Since most of my friends will be gone, I figured it might be nice to spend some time with her." Artemis had been working on her relationship with her mom. With all the love she'd started to accept from her friends, she'd found a reason to let go of all the hate she'd held. Well, not all the hate. She'd never be able to forgive her dad. But maybe she could forgive her mother," She's been happier lately since I've been more open. Something about my friends being a good influence."

"I hope that included in that." She can feel his smile against her shoulder.

"You're my boyfriend. Though if my mom knew what we just did, she'd probably kill you." Artemis smiles. Wally chuckles. They both talk for another few minutes before drifting off to sleep. For the first time in weeks, neither of them has a nightmare. They barely move between the time they fall asleep and when Dick bangs on the door. Artemis groans, pulling the sheets over her head," Go away."

"Come on, Arty. Don't be like that!" The fifteen year old half shouts through the door," It's a party!"

"Give me like ten minutes to wake up," She sits up, shaking Wally. Softly so Dick can't hear her, she says," Babe, get up. We have to go be social."

"Uggggggggh!" Wally moans. They both feel like death. Probably look like it too. They're both more than familiar with each other in the morning. Artemis's long hair puffs out like a lion's mane. Wally's mouth tastes like death. Wally sits up, swearing at the morning," Jesus fuck. I hate everything in this room."

"Everything?" Artemis asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Everything but you," He corrects himself.

"Better." She stands, groaning in pain. Everything was sore. From a extra long sparing session with Conner to gymnastics with Dick to Wally, all the muscles in her legs and arms were screaming at her. Her eyes burn with lack of sleep. Wally searches for his shirt on the floor. It takes them both several minutes before they're ready for actual interaction. Artemis decides against pulling her hair up, mostly because she has no motivation to find a hair tie.

They stumble into the living room. Dick grins at them, like he does most mornings. Their presents sit under the tree, even though none of them actually put them out. Zatanna used her magic to make them appear so everyone could sleep for another minute or two. Dick probably has half of their presents already figured out. Artemis accepts a cup of coffee from M'gann, who's more than familiar with her best friend's inability to deal with the mornings.

"Morning!" Artemis answers her best friend's cheerfulness with a not so cheerful grunt," How'd you sleep?"

"Not nearly long enough." She yawns. Wally sits next to her with a bowl of ceral.

"Let's get this party started," Wally pretends to be peppy. Most likely to annoy Dick.

"Alright, who wants to go first." Connor asks.

"Here, toss Dick the one with the Santa Clauses on them." M'gann hands it over. Dick rips the paper off and laughs at the bag of charcoal.

"You're such an ass."

"Open the damn bag," Wally tells him. Opening the bag, Dick looks in. For a solid minute he doesn't say anything. Then he pulls out a stuffed elephant, a snow globe from Halley's circus, a bag of cotton candy, and kettle corn. Dick isn't sure what to say. Wally points his spoon at him," I think the words you're looking for are 'thank you.'"

"Thanks. Really thanks, dude." Dick picks up the elephant," I'm gonna call her Elinore. That was the only elephant at the circus that didn't hate my guts."

"Why did the other elephants hate you?" Zatana asks her boyfriend.

"I was an annoying little shit that had a tendancy to go where I shouldn't be. Wally, shut up."

"Ok, who's next?" Wally asks. The whole thing lasts a few hours longer than it should. They keep stopping to talk, swap stories, and make fun of each other. Kaldur loves the book of myths. M'gann hugs Artemis after she opens her new t-shirt. Wally gets a bunch of books on gamma radiation and a few new notebooks for his labs. He usually has seven or eight going on and is always running out of notebooks in the middle of them. Artemis made him a shirt that says 'Magic is just unexplained science.' Zatanna is fairly amused by the shirt. They take a break to eat some breakfast after Wally's second bowl of cereal. The last round of presents goes pretty quick until there's only one left.

"Who's that for?" Artemis asks.

"It's for you," M'gann passes it to her. The wrapping is a soft green with a gold ribbon wrapped around it. There's no name on it. She carefully plucks the tape off the paper after sliding the ribbon off. In a plain white box, under green tissue paper, is a silver braclet. She lifts it up, showing the rest of the room.

"Damn," Dick nods in approval," That's pretty sweet."

"I-" Artemis is lost for words. She's never been given anything so beautiful. Her entire childhood of Christmases had been one long string of disappointments. Last year hadn't been so bad, with the team and her mom, but all the ones before sucked ass. Her dad, rather than toys or clothes or any real presents, would make her train more or would give her a new bow when she out grew her old one," What...who-who…?"

"You really think I wouldn't do something special for our first Christmas together," Wally asks. Artemis stares at him, more shocked that he managed to keep a goddamn secret than the gift," It's not new. My aunt had a braclet with a broken clasp and M'gann helped me with the charms."

Artemis studies the three charms dangling from the braclet. One looks like a small doll, another is a moon, and the last is a lightning bolt. Wally takes the braclet, gesturing for her to hold her wrist out. He struggles for a second to clasp it.

"You made this?" Artemis looks at M'gann.

"I helped. Wally found some silver somewhere. He heated the metal and I shaped it."

"Why those?" Dick asks," Like what's with the charms?"

"Well, the moon is because she's got the same name as the greek goddess of the moon and hunt. I read that she was pretty kick ass with a bow too. The doll is because I know Christmas in the past hasn't been what it should have been."

"That sums up most of my childhood," She points out.

"Yeah, I figured. Then the lightning bolt is-"

"You?" She asks with a soft smile.

"Yep," Surprisingly, he doesn't give her a cocky grin. He gives her a shy smile," Do you like it?"

"Of course. I love it," Artemis says. She wants to say she loves him, but can't.

"This is the part where you kiss," Dick tells them.

"Damn it, Dick. They were having a moment," Zatanna throws a pillow at him. Artemis kisses Wally's cheek. They're both smiling. The others begin to clean up, M'gann going to start on lunch. About ten minutes pass before their friends realize the young couple is asleep. Artemis has one arm around his waist , her head resting on his shoulder. Wally's head rests on top of hers. He holds her close. None of them, not even Dick, have the heart to wake them up.

Both Wally and Artemis have both been struggling the last six months. They had fought a lot, especially when they had bad days. They'd nearly broken up twice. Then there were the days that they couldn't stand to be apart. Artemis was trying to open up to her friends more, even inviting them over to her apartment. She still had days that she shut them out. Days that she wouldn't answer her phone, unless it involved missions. Wally had days when he couldn't cope. When he would break down in tears or when he would throw whatever was in arms reach. There were days that he would just stay in his room here. He wouldn't open the door. There were no sharp objects in his room until last week. Dick once stuck a camera in there. Wally would sit on his bed, unmoving.

As bad as they had been, the whole team knows that if they weren't togther, one or both of them would have fallen apart completely. Their bad days weren't lining up as often as they did at the begining. Now one could talk the other down. They could coax them out of the darkness inside. Sometimes with long conversations, sometimes just letting the other vent, sometimes niether of them talking. Just sitting together, reading or writing, was enough. The team was there for them when they could be. It had taken a lot of time and trust, but they were mending. They were going to be ok.

The last Christmas gift the team decides to give is to the young couple on the couch. They let them be. Zatanna coaxs Dick into helping her with a school project, to draw him away from pretty good blackmail material. M'gann uses her powers to cover them in a warm blanket before they all leave. Neither Wally or Artemis move for hours. In time they would wake up, bleary eyed and disoriented, but they would wake up. They would always wake up and they would always have that moment of unknowing. Not knowing where they were or what was going on. But they'd feel the other's warmth. They'd feel the other breathing, knowing if they were still asleep or awake. They'd lay there, neither daring to move because when they move, they'll have to talk to other people. When they move, they'll have to feel all the dark feelings they have. They'll have live when they move. So for now, they are content with sleeping. Because when they're sleeping, nothing bad happens. Nothing can hurt them. They're going to be okay. They're going to wake up one day and be happy. It might not be today or tomorrow or next week or next months or even next year. But they'll wake up one day and they'll be happy. Hopefully their happiness will include each other.

 **Author's note: I had someone message me asking about each chapter of this story. Chapter 1 was about the loss of control that comes with self harm. Chapter 2 is the want and determination for control when something has gone way to far. This chapter is all about progress. No matter what any of you has gone through, anything that has hurt you or nearly destroyed you, there is always, always, always a chance for things to get better. Always, always, always. Again I've struggled with self harm in the past and it is an everyday battle. There are days that I have to fight harder than others. But there is hope. Again, I love you all so so so much. I have loved writing these stories. They've let me explore different parts of my life and I've developed my writing.**

 **So other notes, I will be expanding one of my stories (Still Family). I have this idea for another story. I'm going to go through an edit some of my current stories. That's about it for story updates. I have been hella busy with work and have had like zero motivation to do anything. I have to kick it into gear though. Any way, Love you all. I hope this story has helped some of you.**


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